ACT ONE Scene One
The living room of Carlee and Tim's apartment. The apartment, sparsely furnished, is decorated with a number of Tim's sculptures and paintings. All of his artwork has a food theme. A sculpture of two cereal boxes fighting is prominently displayed.
CARLEE is straightening up the apartment. TIM is off stage in the kitchen.
CARLEE (Yells.) Tim - Tim - they'll be here any minute. Tim?
TIM (Off.) Carlee, I'm almost done. Besides, when have any of our friends ever been on time?
CARLEE You know Dennis is always early. Don't think I'm going to sit out here entertaining him. He's your friend.
TIM Then send him in here, Carlee. Just let me finish.
CARLEE Why didn't you finish earlier? (No response.) Tim?
(There is a knock at the front door. CARLEE answers it. DENNIS enters.)
DENNIS I hope I'm not too early, Carlee. (Looks around the apartment.) Where's Tim?
CARLEE He's in the kitchen finishing his painting.
DENNIS In the kitchen?
CARLEE It's a still life with processed food. Tim said you could go into the kitchen with him while he finishes up.
DENNIS Oh, I don't want to bother him.
CARLEE I'm sure it won't be any bother at all.
DENNIS Oh, Carlee, I know you're trying to be nice, but I really enjoy talking to you.
CARLEE That's great. (After a moment.) How's the job-hunting going?
DENNIS I have had a few leads since the last time we spoke. Do you remember I told you about the neighbor of mine whose cousin is a pest control technician? Well, it seems that Sherman that's my neighbor's cousin can get me an interview with his boss. I'm a shoe-in, Carlee.
CARLEE Well, isn't that just terrific Dennis.
TIM (Off.) Honey, is that Dennis?
CARLEE It sure is.
TIM Well, send him in here.
CARLEE Tim says that you can go in the kitchen.
DENNIS But, Carlee, we're having such a nice chat.
CARLEE I really think that Tim has something he wants to tell you.
DENNIS Oh, sure. I understand. (Winks.) Guy talk.
DENNIS exits to the kitchen. There is a knock at the front door.
TIM (Off.) I'll bet it's Jennifer and Bennett.
CARLEE (Yells.) I say it's Trish.
There is more knocking at the door. CARLEE answers it.
CARLEE Bonnie
BONNIE enters dramatically and sits on the couch.
BONNIE I know I'm early. I just had to get out of the house. I felt so lonely. (Cries.)
TIM (Off.) Is it Trish?
CARLEE No, it's Bonnie.
TIM (Surprised.) Bonnie? She's early.
TIM enters from the kitchen and crosses to Bonnie.
TIM Bonnie, what's wrong?
BONNIE is now wailing hysterically. CARLEE hands her a box of tissues.
CARLEE Bonnie, what is it?
BONNIE It's it's Rick.
CARLEE What about Rick? Is it hurt?
BONNIE shakes her head.
TIM Is he sick?
BONNIE shakes her head. TIM and CARLEE look at each other.
TIM Is he having an affair?
BONNIE cries uncontrollably. DENNIS enters from the kitchen. He has fixed himself a very large banana split and is stuffing himself as he walks over to the settee to sit down. He looks up from the ice cream and notices Bonnie.
DENNIS Bonnie, you're crying. What's the matter?
BONNIE cries.
TIM She found out that Rick's having an affair.
DENNIS Do you want some of my ice cream Bonnie?
CARLEE Dennis, I really don't think Bonnie wants a banana split at a time like this. Anyway, she doesn't eat ice cream.
BONNIE grabs the ice cream from DENNIS and begins to devour it. All look in disbelief. There is a knock at the front door.
TIM AND CARLEE Trish.
TIM answers the door. JENNIFER and BENNETT enter.
TIM Hi, guys.
CARLEE (To Tim.) We're really batting a thousand tonight.
BENNETT Bonnie, you're early.
JENNIFER And you're eating ice cream. What's going on?
CARLEE Rick's having an affair. Bonnie just found out about it.
JENNIFER Who is it this time?
BONNIE What do you mean this time?
JENNIFER I - um - didn't mean anything.
BONNIE You wouldn't have said it if it didn't have a meaning.
JENNIFER I just meant that, well, Rick has had other affairs.
BONNIE (In disbelief.) What?
JENNIFER You mean it didn't occur to you that this may not be the first time?
BONNIE No. (Cries.)
CARLEE Great, Jen, you started her up again.
JENNIFER I just thought that she figured it all out. I forgot who I was dealing with.
CARLEE Can't you see how traumatic this is for Bonnie?
BENNETT I thought it was pretty obvious that Rick was fooling around.
BONNIE (Looks at Bennett in horror.) You knew?
BENNETT Of course I knew. We all knew.
CARLEE kicks Bennett in the shin.
BONNIE You all knew? Tim? Carlee?
DENNIS (Waves.) I didn't know.
BONNIE (To Carlee.) Why didn't you tell me?
CARLEE We didn't know what to say. We didn't want to hurt you.
BONNIE (Gets up to leave.) I thought you were my friends.
CARLEE Please don't leave, Bonnie.
BONNIE I can't believe you didn't tell me.
BONNIE crosses to the front door. CARLEE follows her.
CARLEE Bonnie - wait
BONNIE exits and slams the door.
CARLEE That's just great, Bennett. Why did you have to go and tell her that for?
BENNETT It's about time she woke up and got her head out of the clouds. Rick is an asshole, anyway.
JENNIFER She's better off without him.
There is a knock at the front door. TRISH rushes in.
TRISH Hi, guys! I hope I didn't miss too much.
There is a silence.
TRISH What's going on?
TIM Bonnie found out that Rick's been cheating on her and that we all knew about it and never told her.
TRISH She really didn't know?
JENNIFER Does that surprise you?
TRISH I know she's a little naive but it seemed pretty obvious to me.
BENNETT That's what I thought.
CARLEE Bennett's the one who told her that we all knew about it. (To Bennett.) Jerk.
BENNETT C'mon, Carlee, give me a break.
DENNIS I never even suspected it. I didn't think Rick would ever cheat on Bonnie.
JENNIFER She's a few shirts short of a full load. That's how he got away with it for so long.
DENNIS If Bonnie's going to be single again, do you think she would consider going out with me?
CARLEE Forget it, Dennis.
TRISH (To Carlee.) How is Bonnie doing?
CARLEE Not too good. She wouldn't stop crying and then she ate Dennis' banana split.
TRISH She ate a banana split?
DENNIS The whole thing.
TRISH You wouldn't think anyone would get that upset over Rick. (Pause.) What's everyone drinking?
BENNETT Yeah, Tim, what's the Drink of the Week?
TIM It's a new idea. It's made with strawberries, bananas, grape juice, Tequila, Vodka and 7-Up. I call it Fruit of the Loom.
JENNIFER Okay, I'll bite. Why Fruit of the Loom?
TIM (Groucho Marx imitation.) Because it's strong enough to knock your pants off.
CARLEE throws a pillow at Tim.
CARLEE You're not funny, Tim.
TIM I may not be a comedian but I do make a mean drink.
TIM exits to the kitchen.
JENNIFER So, Trish, how's your love life?
TRISH Love life? I didn't know I had one.
JENNIFER That good, huh?
TRISH Actually I've been thinking about joining a video dating service.
BENNETT Why pay for something when you can get it for free just by walking into any bar in town?
TRISH Maybe I don't want to date someone from a bar.
BENNETT Well, you can always try the gym.
TRISH Yeah, if I want to go out with Rick.
TIM enters with a tray of drinks. CARLEE gets up to help him.
TIM Fruit of the Looms for everyone.
DENNIS What shall we toast to?
JENNIFER How about being almost thirty?
TRISH I resent that.
JENNIFER Why? Your birthday is in two weeks. You're going to be twenty-nine.
TRISH Then say almost twenty-nine. I've still have another year before I hit thirty. I'd like to enjoy it.
TIM What's wrong with being thirty?
TRISH Only a man would say that. When you're thirty, you're not "in your twenties" anymore. You're suddenly old. When you're female, getting old changes everything. Your looks start to go. Your body starts sagging. And you're not cute anymore. It's worse if you're single. I mean suppose I walk into a club and right behind me is a little twenty-two year old in a mini-skirt. Who are the guys going to talk to?
CARLEE I never wore a mini-skirt. Even when I was twenty-two.
JENNIFER Well, I still wear a mini-skirt and I look damn good in it, too.
TRISH My point is that our youth is disappearing. Look how fast our twenties went by. If our thirties go even faster, in no time, we'll be forty.
CARLEE Then we'll really be old.
TRISH I haven't even met Mr. Right yet. My odds of getting married diminish daily.
CARLEE Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
TRISH I would heed the warning, Carlee. You're not married yet, either.
CARLEE But Tim and I are probably going to get married soon.
TIM We are?
CARLEE kicks him in the shin.
BENNETT I think things have gotten better for me. I'm finally getting taken seriously at work.
JENNIFER I think it's because you started wearing a tie.
BENNETT Seriously, though, I think by boss is finally starting to listen to my ideas.
TIM I know what you mean.
JENNIFER How would you know, Tim, you've never even had a job?
TIM I've worked.
JENNIFER Oh, really, where?
CARLEE Don't you remember when he worked for that courier service when we were twenty-five?
BENNETT I wouldn't exactly call that a professional job.
TIM That was a job. I worked there for eight months.
JENNIFER Real long-term commitment, Tim. I admire your dedication.
TIM I'm an artist. I can't be tied down with a set schedule.
TRISH And what has the Great Master been working on?
CARLEE Still life with processed food. It's in the kitchen.
TIM And I just finished this sculpture. (Points the cereal boxes fighting.) I call it Cereal
Killers.
JENNIFER Real funny, Tim.
BENNETT How many paintings have you sold since you've been at the new gallery?
TIM I haven't exactly sold any yet.
CARLEE He just gets so attached to his art. It's hard for him to let go.
BENNETT You said you'd be making big bucks at this new gallery.
TIM I will be when I decide how I want to price my work.
BENNETT You put your paintings and sculptures in a gallery and you didn't put prices on them?
TIM I want people to see my work. I just don't want them to take my work home with them.
JENNIFER Then put it in a museum.
TRISH (Whispering.) Hey, guys. Look.(Points to Dennis who has fallen asleep.)
BENNETT Tim, do you have any shaving cream?
TRISH No. Do you know what I always wanted to try? Let's stick his fingers in warm water and see if he pees his pants.
CARLEE You guys are sick.
JENNIFER I'm up for the warm water thing.
CARLEE I don't want anything to do with this.
TRISH exits to the kitchen.
CARLEE You are all acting like you're in junior high school.
TRISH enters with a cup of warm water. All gather around Dennis except for Carlee. TRISH dips Dennis' fingers into the water. All wait in anticipation. Nothing happens.
TRISH That was a let down.
JENNIFER (Looks down at Dennis' crotch.) Well, he didn't pee.
BENNETT Maybe it didn't work just because he's Dennis.
The front door flies open and RICK enters. He is very upset and slightly intoxicated.
RICK Where is she?
JENNIFER Where is who, Rick?
RICK My wife.
JENNIFER She's gone.
RICK Well, where did she go?
JENNIFER She didn't tell us where she was going. She just left.
RICK But she's not home.
JENNIFER What do you want us to do about it?
RICK Where could she have gone?
TRISH Did you try her mother's house?
RICK Very funny. You know her family lives in Jersey.
TRISH It's only about 1200 miles.
RICK Yeah, well, I've got the car. So, what did she do? Walk?
TRISH puts out her thumb to indicate hitchhiking. DENNIS wakes up and sees Rick.
DENNIS Rick - how's Bonnie doing?
RICK I'm tryin' to find out where the hell she disappeared.
DENNIS What do you mean?
RICK She's gone. The house was all locked up, the lights out and she's not there. Where could she be?
CARLEE Rick, please calm down and try to be rational. You said she didn't have the car, so she couldn't have gone very far.
JENNIFER Maybe she walked down the street to O'Gradys.
RICK She don't go to bars. She's a married woman.
TRISH Well, she doesn't eat ice cream, either, but that didn't stop her from eating a banana split.
RICK She ate a banana split?
CARLEE The entire thing.
RICK Shit I'm in trouble.
BENNETT I think I'd start looking at O'Gradys.
TIM Seems logical to me.
RICK Bennet, Tim you wanna come with me?
TIM and Bennett look at their mates and the women both nod. The three men exit.
DENNIS Why didn't Rick ask me to go with him?
JENNIFER Rick doesn't like you, Dennis.
DENNIS When I woke up, why was my hand in a glass of water?
The women laugh.
LIGHTS.
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