When Fat Chicks Rule the World
The apartment of Noreen Delrosa. When the lights come up, NOREEN is sitting alone in her apartment. She has a giant can of tuna in her lap.
NOREEN Tuna. Sixty-six ounces. I wonder how many pounds that is? Let's see. There are sixteen ounces in a pound, so sixty-six ounces would be four pounds. I wonder if that includes the can? Probably not. Wow I'm the proud owner of four pounds of fish...
The lights start to flicker and an eerie music begins to play. There is a quick black out. When the lights come up again, THE TUNA GENIE is standing next to Noreen. THE TUNA GENIE is dressed in eccentric clothing and is carrying a large bohemian bag.
NOREEN Who are you?
THE TUNA GENIE Who do I look like?
NOREEN Well, um -
THE TUNA GENIE No, really. Who do I look like?
NOREEN I don't know. A bag lady?
THE TUNA GENIE Hell, no. I'm the Tuna Genie.
NOREEN How did you get in my apartment?
THE TUNA GENIE You summoned me.
NOREEN I did?
THE TUNA GENIE Hell, yes, you did.
NOREEN How did I do that?
THE TUNA GENIE You wished upon a can of tuna. Works every time.
NOREEN I had no idea.
A phone rings. NOREEN looks around.
THE TUNA GENIE It's mine. (Reaches into her bag and answers her cell phone.)
Yeah. I'm with someone right now. Noreen Delrosa. Yeah, that's her Hell, no, I can't be in Tokyo in an hour. The wind shear is terrible tonight. Can't you send someone else?... What about The Spirit of the Hefty Bag?... He's on vacation. Well, isn't that the dog's butt? I haven't been on vacation in months How about The Watermelon Apparition?... Pneumonia. Well, hog tie me to a broom. I'll be there as soon as I can.
THE TUNA GENIE I hate to do it to you, hon. But you're gonna have to come up with your wish pretty quick. Looks like I'm needed in Japan, so I don't have much time.
NOREEN You're going to grant me a wish?
THE TUNA GENIE That's what I'm here for.
NOREEN Don't I get three wishes?
THE TUNA GENIE You know. That's what everybody says. The media has really blown this whole wish thing way out of proportion. No you only get one wish.
NOREEN Then I want to be thin.
THE TUNA GENIE Hell. I knew I forgot something. I didn't give you the rules. Here it goes. You can't wish for anything that will hurt another person, you can't wish for anything that will change your physical appearance and you can't wish for more wishes.
NOREEN Well, that makes the decision a little more difficult.
THE TUNA GENIE Think quick. I don't have much time.
NOREEN This isn't easy. I've only got one chance. Can't I have some more time? Maybe you could come back after you're Tokyo trip and grant me my wish then.
THE TUNA GENIE Sorry, kiddo. Once I leave, the deal is null and void. It's now or never.
NOREEN Maybe you could give me some suggestions?
THE TUNA GENIE Coaching the candidate for a wish is strictly prohibited but I can tell you what some of my previous clients have wished for.
NOREEN Okay.
THE TUNA GENIE A few years back we had this aging football hero - he wished for some publicity to boost his career. He said he wanted to get his name back into the media. Too bad he never said whether he wanted good or bad publicity.
NOREEN I guess I have to be careful what I wish for.
THE TUNA GENIE It helps to be specific.
The Tuna Genie's phone rings again.
THE TUNA GENIE Well, tar and feather me. The darn thing's ringing again. (Answers the phone.) TG Yeah, I'm still with Noreen. She's considering her options I know they're waiting in Tokyo. What do you want me to do? Pull a wish for her out of my butt? (Hangs up the phone.) There are a swarm of bees in his bonnet.
NOREEN I don't want you to get into trouble on my account.
THE TUNA GENIE Nonsense. You take all the time you need. We'll let his blood boil for awhile.
NOREEN There are so many things I could wish for but there's only one thing that I really want.
THE TUNA GENIE To be thin?
NOREEN Yeah.
THE TUNA GENIE Personally, I think thin is overrated. In the spirit world, we like to have a little meat on our bones. If we don't keep ourselves a little on the heavy side, we're likely to just start floating around at the most inconvenient times. Being fat helps to keep me grounded.
NOREEN For humans, being fat is a curse.
THE TUNA GENIE Hell, not if you're a talk show host. Oprah never had any problems being popular. And now they've got that young one - Ricki Lake. And what about that Rosie O'Donnell? She's a hoot.
NOREEN But I'm not a celebrity. Nobody thinks I'm special. No one ever has and no one ever will.
THE TUNA GENIE I bet your parents do.
NOREEN I don't know.
THE TUNA GENIE But you're their little girl. Of course, they think you're special.
NOREEN I don't think I was ever their little girl.
THE TUNA GENIE Don't you let a thing like size get your goat. There's just more of you to love, that's all. I bet you were the apple of your daddy's eye and the sugar in your mamma's tea.
The Tuna Genie's phone rings.
THE TUNA GENIE (Answers the phone.) I'm busy.
She hangs up the phone. It rings again.
THE TUNA GENIE What now?... Yeah, I'm still with Noreen. This is a very complex case. I can't rush it I know Japan is waiting. They'll just have to hold their wild horses 'til I get there Thank you. Bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Men. You can't live with 'em when you're alive you can't live with them when you're undead. Now where were we? Oh, yeah. Your wish. Have you made any decisions?
NOREEN I think I have an idea. Let me run it by you and see what you think.
LIGHTS.
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