But Does He Know Botticelli

ACT ONE  Scene One

Afternoon. The Sakura Japanese Restaurant in Chicago, Illinois. The restaurant is small and somewhat run down. MARIE MANELLI  and LU-CEE LEE SCHWEITZER  have just sat down to lunch. Both women are in their late twenties. MARIE is thin and very attractive. She is intelligent but somewhat reserved. LU-CEE is outgoing and colorful, a natural performer. MARIE is immersed in her own thoughts while Lu-Cee speaks.

LU-CEE   He had just finished telling me how much he respects me and without missing a beat, he pounced. Like some kind of psychotic octopus, there were hands everywhere. I managed to fight him off with a swift kick to the groin then I pushed him out the door. He actually had the nerve to call the next night and ask if I wanted to see him again. Can you believe it?

MARIE does not respond.

LU-CEE   Marie. (No response.) Marie? Hello  earth to Marie.

MARIE   I'm sorry, Lu-Cee. What did you say?

LU-CEE   I was telling you about my spectacular date with Prince Charming.

MARIE   Oh, right.

LU-CEE   You're not even listening to me. What is it with you today?

MARIE   My friend Tina, from work, is getting married in October. She asked me to a bridesmaid in her wedding. That will make five weddings this year. Do you know how much money I've already spent on dresses alone? Almost a thousand dollars. And then there's the wedding presents, shower gifts, bachelorette parties, travel expenses   

LU-CEE   So, tell her you can't be in her wedding.

MARIE   I can't back out. Tina knows I was in Susan's wedding last month and that I'm going to be in Marsha's wedding in June and Kelly's wedding in July. I've known Tina a lot longer than I've known either of them. She would be furious if I was in their weddings and not hers.

LU-CEE   Then back out of one of the other weddings.

MARIE   The August weddings are obligatory. Two of my cousins are getting married. My mother would never let me hear the end of it if I even mentioned backing out of either of their weddings. 

LU-CEE   Then be glad that you make good money, honey, because it looks like you're going well over the thousand-dollar mark.

MARIE   You know the kicker of the whole thing is that I don't even have a date for any of the weddings. 

LU-CEE   Free food. I'll be your date.

MARIE   I was hoping that maybe I'd be going out with someone steadily by then. Preferably a man.

LU-CEE   Monogamy is overrated. So are men.

MARIE   Don't you think someday you'll meet Mr. Right and want to get married?

LU-CEE   What makes you think there's just one Mr. Right? Maybe humans weren't meant to be with the same person their entire lives. I haven't met a man yet who I wanted to spend more than a few hours with.

MARIE   I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with  to have children with  to grow old with.

LU-CEE   Don't forget about the dog and the white picket fence  and then when you turn forty-five, divorce court when he leaves you for a younger woman.

MARIE   You're so cynical.

LU-CEE   I certainly don't need to get married in order to have kids. (Playing.) "Just give me the sperm, buddy, and be on your way!"

MARIE   But children need stability and the nurturing of both parents.

LU-CEE   You really believe a man and a woman can live together monogamously and peacefully for thirty or more years.

MARIE   Yes, I do.

LU-CEE   And our parents are living proof of just how miserable those thirty plus years can be.

MARIE   What was I saying about you being cynical? Shoe - fits - wear it.

LU-CEE   I may be cynical, but you're living in a Leave It to Beaver fantasy world.

ANNIE walks over to the table. She is an Asian American waitress in her early twenties.

ANNIE   What can I get for you today?

MARIE   (Looks at the menu.) How's the Ginger Shrimp?

ANNIE   I don't know. I don't eat Japanese food. Most people order the Tempura.

MARIE   I guess I'll try the Tempura.

LU-CEE   Make it two.

ANNIE   Can I get you anything else?

MARIE   No, I think that's all.

ANNIE   Okey-dokey. (Takes the menus and exits.)

LU-CEE   Have you noticed that every time we come here, we get the same waitress? It's like some weird cosmic thing.

MARIE   I've only seen three servers working here. We have pretty good odds of getting the same one.

LU-CEE   But the same waitress each and every time? That's somewhat phenomenal, don't you think?

MARIE   I guess it's a little unusual.

LU-CEE   You know you have a very strong tendency to minimize things.

MARIE   You're just more dramatic than I am. 

LU-CEE   That's what comes from being an artist.

MARIE   So  when's your next show?

LU-CEE   I've got a gig at the Annoyance Theater on Clark Street. It's a new show called Out on a Limb and Nowhere to Go. I play a tree branch. We open next weekend. You'll have to come by and check it out.

MARIE   It's not that I don't want to see your work, Lu-cee, but I don't really understand performance art.

LU-CEE   I forgot. Anything created after the Renaissance is out of your league.

MARIE   It's not that I don't appreciate what you do - we just have very different interests.

LU-CEE   I went to see the Botticelli exhibit you arranged at the Art Institute last month and I didn't complain. Like I wanted to see a bunch of nude paintings of overweight Italian women.

MARIE   Okay. Okay. I get your point. I'll come to see your rendition of tree bark.

LU-CEE   I'm playing a tree branch not tree bark. And I don't want you there if you're not really interested.   

MARIE   I am interested, Lu-Cee. Make me a reservation for next Saturday, okay?

LU-CEE   Only if you promise not to criticize it.

MARIE   If I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.

LU-CEE   Should I put you down for just one ticket?

MARIE   Unless I can bring Caesar.

LU-CEE   Sorry, no pets allowed in the theater. What about your mom?

MARIE   I'm trying to have as little contact with her as possible. She's still trying to fix me up with every available man at the hospital. Our taste in men is very different.

LU-CEE   Mothers always think they know what's best for their daughters. My mom starts to cry every time I tell her I'm not getting married. (Imitates her mother.) "You're going to deprive your mother of grandchildren." I promptly remind her that she does have two sons, both of whom are presumably fertile, to which she replies, "But you're my only daughter."

MARIE   I'm an only child. Think of the pressure I have to face.

LU-CEE   At least your mom is trying to do something constructive by setting you up on dates. All my mom does is whine and instill feelings of guilt.

MARIE   I'm not sure I would call her matchmaking constructive. The last guy she set me up with was named Alvin. He was a real loser.

LU-CEE   Alvin  like the chipmunk?

MARIE   (Nods.) Alvin works in the hospital lab and is definitely lacking in the social skills department. We went out for Italian food and all he kept talking about were blood products. I haven't been able to eat tomato sauce ever since. Going out with him was like dating Dr. Frankenstein.

LU-CEE   Can't your mom fix you up with one of those handsome young doctors like you see on the soaps?

MARIE   Mom says most of the doctors are married by the time they start their residencies. Almost everyone I know is already married and all of their friends are married. You're my last single ally.

LU-CEE   And you know if I meet a decent guy, I'm keeping him for myself.

MARIE   So what options do I have for meeting available men?

LU-CEE   Have you thought about the classified ads?

MARIE   Isn't that how you met Carmine Nicoletti? I read in the paper that he was just indicted on racketeering charges.

LU-CEE   Carmine was very charming. He took me to an extremely expensive restaurant and brought me a box of chocolates and a single red rose.

MARIE   He wanted you to run drugs for him, Lu-Cee.

LU-CEE   Okay, so I met one bad apple, but that's no reason to discredit the whole process. I met other men who were decent.

MARIE   Oh, right. Like Harrington  wasn't that his name?

LU-CEE   Elliot Harrington.

MARIE   Elliot Harrington. You found out he was married. And let's not forget Lennox Reynolds. He tried talking you into making a porno film for him.

LU-CEE   Okay, so there were a few duds, but most of the men I met were normal.

MARIE   I'd like to think I have higher standards than just meeting someone normal.

LU-CEE   Are you saying I don't have standards?

MARIE   No, I'm not saying that. I guess I'm just a little more selective about the men I choose to go out with.

LU-CEE   Well, maybe if you weren't so picky, you'd be married by now.

ANNIE enters with the food. Both women are glaring at each other. They ignore the waitress.

ANNIE   One Tempura. (Places dish down for Marie.) And one "make it two." (Places dish down for Lu-Cee.)

The women still do not react to Annie.

ANNIE   (Looks at the women.) The Tempura usually gets a better response.  (Exits.)

There is a brief silence.

LU-CEE   Are you going to eat?

MARIE   I'm not that hungry anymore.

LU-CEE   Look  I'm sorry. Okay? I just think that maybe you don't open yourself up to enough opportunities. There are hundreds of classified ads in the paper every day. All of them can't be creeps.

MARIE   With my luck, I'm sure I'd pick the one creep in the bunch.

LU-CEE   Or you might meet Mr. Right. You'll never know unless you give it a try. It's very simple. You get the paper, right?

MARIE nods.

LU-CEE   Have you ever read the ads before  just for fun?

MARIE   Sure, who hasn't?

LU-CEE   Well, the next time you read them, take it a little more seriously. Look for something that catches your eye. Then when you see one you think might be interesting, all you have to do is call the phone number and leave a message on the voice mail for the ad you like. The guy calls you back and you make the initial contact by phone. If the two of you click, then you can arrange to meet him.

MARIE   I don't know. It sounds scary. What if he turns out to be a lunatic?

LU-CEE   That's why you arrange your first meeting in a public place. And never give out your address. You really have nothing to lose. Why not give it a try? If nothing else, it'll get you out of the house.

MARIE   I'll think about it.

LU-CEE   What's to think about?

MARIE   What will people say when I tell them I've been dating men from the classified ads?

LU-CEE   You care too much about what other people think. Anyway, it's about time you started to live on the edge a little.

MARIE   I live on the edge. It was a big risk for me to get my own apartment.

LU-CEE   That's exactly what I mean. You're twenty-eight years old and you just got your own place. Why are you so afraid of going out there and experiencing life? You've spent the last twenty-eight years on the sidelines. When are you going to go out and start playing the game? Isn't it time to start living? Let's make a deal. Suppose that I refrain from criticizing your - shall we say - uneventful lifestyle and in exchange you call one of the ads that you like and set up a meeting.

MARIE   And for how long will you stop harassing me?

LU-CEE   Let's say six months.

MARIE   After six months maybe it will become a habit. Do I have to go out with the guy if we don't click on the phone?

LU-CEE   No. But if the phone conversation goes nowhere, then you have to try another ad. I'll only agree to stop teasing you if you actually go on a date.

MARIE   And how will you know if I really go out on the date?

LU-CEE   You aren't a very good liar, Marie.

MARIE   That's why I never even try.

LU-CEE   I have an idea. Arrange to meet him here for lunch and let me know what time you'll be here. Make sure you get seated close to the window and I'll walk by and check him out.

MARIE   Okay, I'll do it. But only if you'll do the walk-by.

LU-CEE   I wouldn't miss it for the world.

LIGHTS.

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